"The whole terrible fight occurred in the area of imagination. That is the precise location of our battlefield. It is there that we experience our victories and our defeats. Each and everyone of us is a being of limited duration: all of us eventually go down to defeat."
You were sad, so you looked up
just like what you always do
when you feel.
You loved them before you felt sad;
you loved your life before you had that short walk home;
But it ruined everything -
everything you appreciated just seconds ago;
because she was worried.
It was normal;
it’s supposed to be normal.
You should have been indifferent -
but you just can’t.
So you felt sad because it does exist;
and then you looked up,
hoping to feel better.
Someone is at the door,
and she’s shouting.
Why is she shouting?
What made her so furious?
Is it because she wanted to use the bathroom?
But you’ve only been here for like a,
a short while. Aren’t you?
What is it?
Did you hear the word “water”?
Oh, so she wants you to turn down the pressure of the running water.
Is it that high?
Is it about saving water?
Or is it about saving your bill?
Either way, you do not care
because you are happy.
Just squatting there in front of the faucet makes you happy.
Happy? Is this what happiness feels like?
A little more like contentment, or like-ness.
You liked it.
You like the feel of the water rushing through your palms.
You like the push and glide.
Even though your fingers are already wrinkling;
even though the bucket is already full and the water is spilling;
even though someone’s already shouting at you;
even though your thighs are already burning;
you just stay there, and watch the water fill and leave your palms.
Do you see yourself on it?
Somehow, you see yourself on the water —
it resembles your fullness.
Yes, you are full.
You are full of feelings and emotions never expressed;
and all it needs is a little tap and turn on the faucet,
and you will flow.
You will rush.
You will push and glide.
You will pass through the hands that try to cup you off.
You will get through the big wall called LIFE.
Until then, she has no choice but to wait for you to come out —
right when you are already satisfied
of just squatting there in front of the faucet.
Joel: I have to go. I have to catch my ride.
Clementine: So go!
Joel: I did. I thought maybe you were a nut… but you were exciting.
Clementine: I wish you had stayed.
Joel: I wish I had stayed too. NOW I wish I had stayed. I wish I had done a lot of things. I wish I had… I wish I had stayed. I do.
Clementine: Well I came back downstairs and you were gone!
Joel: I walked out, I walked out the door!
Joel: I don’t know. I felt like a scared little kid, I was like… it was above my head, I don’t know.
Clementine: You were scared?
Joel: Yeah. I thought you knew that about me. I ran back to the bonfire, trying to outrun my humiliation, I think.
Clementine: Was it something I said?
Joel: Yeah… you said “so go.” With such disdain, you know?
Clementine: Oh, I’m sorry.
Joel: It’s okay.
Clementine: Joely? What if you stayed this time?
Joel: I walked out the door. There’s no memory left.
Clementine: Come back and make up a good-bye at least. Let’s pretend we had one.
[Joel comes back. Clementine walks down the stairs towards him]
Clementine: Bye Joel.
Joel: I love you.
Clementine: Meet me… in Montauk…
I was suicidal once.
Yes, I’ve tried it and luckily, I failed. So I know how the drill goes: how the mood changes as the level of intent increases; how you look at the things around you and think of the best way to execute it - dramatic but quick, but most importantly, without so much pain; how the thought of it repeatedly comes into your mind, being bothered at first then slowly grows into some idea you don’t even mind occurring; how you wanted to tell somebody, just anybody, but you won’t because you are scared; how the words of encouragement of those who care for you just don’t sink in anymore; how you blame Him for letting you be buried in this pain; and you announce it bluntly;
and then you just go blank and still, and do it.
The pain was vivid. I seriously thought to myself that “it’s okay, it will soon be over”. But then I heard their panic screams. I heard my mom cry so much when they found me lying on the floor, lifeless. I felt his arms shaking when my dad carried me and hurriedly went out of the house. At that moment I felt not the pain of my body from what I’ve done, but a different one: a stabbing pain in my chest. Their cries were like salt burning my wounds. I felt the instant effect of what I have done, and flashes of the future were there. I was scared as hell. I wanted to say sorry to everyone, but I can’t. I wanted to cry but I can’t. I wanted to scream for help, but I can’t. I feel the lifeless-ness slowly creeping into my veins, and suddenly, after the months of preparation for my dramatic farewell, I wanted to live. I screamed in my mind and told Him that I am sorry and to please let me live. I asked Him to give me one more chance.
I regretted every detail of this memory.
Please, stop it. It won’t help you or anybody else in this world.
It is the most selfish way of setting yourself free. The pain will still be there when you’re gone. It will be passed on to the ones who care for you - to those who love you.
I know it’s hard to appreciate life right now, but there is so much beauty in this world beyond all those pains you feel. The pain will continually push you down, deeper to depression, and bury you alive if you let it. There are people who care for you — He cares for you. You just have to let it go and lift up to Him everything. You can change your life if you wanted to. You just have to believe in yourself and in Him.
Please, stop it.
He’s drunk again.
He’s drunk again and forever.